Candice is Lamecakes

Hope Mary Elizabeth Cordes. Such a beautiful name, such a beautiful girl.
I am so glad to have met her.
I remember the first time we met; I was walking home from school and had stopped at the park by my house with my friend Victoria. Apparently we started to talk, but never really played with each other. I think we were both painfully shy. Later that year, it began to rain. My sister and I still wanted to play, and Hope was outside as well. Kids are funny, because I think we just walked up and asked to play with her. She said yes. We began to make “Witches Brew” in this large puddle, laughing and giggling, and pretending that we were the ones making the water fall from the sky. She would always treat my sister nicely, but would always make me the slave. For reasons we still do not know, we hated each other.
I’m not sure what changed, but once I stopped being so socially awkward we became best friends.
We’ve gotten into some crazy fights. For reasons we still do not know, she once called me a “Backstabbing bitch” and almost jumped me. Grace had to hold her back, she was so upset. We talked it out, and it was all a huge misunderstanding. One time at my neighbor’s house, she accused me of something. I was already having a terrible day, and I leaped onto the opportunity to scream at someone. My neighbor had to send us home.
I remember when we got really interested in anime, Harry Potter, and role playing. We would hang out at the park, or go to a secluded grass area and pretend that we were witches that go to Hogwarts, or demons who meet Inuyasha.
It’s been 7 long years, and we are still attached at the hip.
Hope is one of the best people I know. She is so selfless, so sweet. Her smile lights up a room, and her laugh fills me with joy. I can trust her with anything, and I hold nothing back when with her.
She has helped me so much. Whenever I’m down, she is there to lift me back up. She knows how to put a smile on my face; she knows how to make me laugh. She knows how to break down my walls, and knows exactly what I’m feeling. Even if we hadn’t spoken in weeks…
I am afraid.
I have never loved somebody so much, and I never want to lose her. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the best record with people sticking around.
It seems that one way or another, something happens and we won’t see each other again.
The fact that Hope has stayed friends with me gives me hope. It gives me hope that I can make friends who won’t leave me, and that there are people that care. Not everyone will disappear, and it isn’t my fault.
She is my Hope, my inspiration, my family. My best friend.
I just wish that she would see the same wonderful person that I see.
Thank you, Hope. You mean more to me than words could ever explain.

A wise woman once told me that I need to think positively about myself, because thoughts manifest themselves in such a way that what I think about myself will be apparent to others. The same person also told me to accept life as it is, and to be open to change. This person told me a beautiful story about how she was in a vault her whole life, and one day she decided to leave the vault. Once she got outside, she realized that the world is a beautiful place. This same wise woman also sings ABBA very loudly while shelving books and her sneezes alarms everyone around her.
I hope that I’ll never forget the day that I had first gotten close to Sarah Wallace. She had switched to T.A in the library with me, and I decided to eat lunch with her. We snuck off of campus, and talked about Dungeons and Dragons awkwardly. Once the bell rung, she walked me to my history classroom. I told her about how much I love history, and she shared the same interest. I told her about how we were discussing Communism in class, and decided to take a risk. Feeling very nervous, I explained how I love the way communism sounds, and that I think it is a beautiful concept. When her face lit up the way it always does when Soviet Russia is brought up, I knew that I had met someone really special.

I will miss all of the laughs we’ve had.
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I have been feeling pretty stressed lately. I want to get all of my feelings out and document this chapter of my life while it’s still fresh.

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Sarah Quotes:
“He dresses like history. It’s beautiful.”
“I only eat pizza in the shape of isosceles triangles.”
“Garrett! Garrett! Garrett! Garrett! Garrett!”
“MAMMA MIA! HERE I GO AGAIN!”
“You freaks roll dice for fun!”
“ALWAYS I WANT TO BE WITH YOUUUU!”
“All this lovee… Rainbow Stalin!”

Sarah Elizabeth Bird.
She is pretty much one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Not only does she actually think for herself, she challenges me to do the same. I have changed so much since I have met her. For the better or for the worse, I do not know. She questions all that she encounters, and is able to keep her head high when those around her ridicule her. She jokes about everything and is painfully blunt sometimes, but underneith all of that crap is the smartest girl who attends West Hills.
Luckily for her, she is done with high school as of today. This leaves me in a funny place. I am happy she is getting out of this hell hole, but I am devastated at the fact that I’ll no longer have such a great person to hang out with. Who else would color in a picture of Stalin? Who else would talk politics with me? Who else has read the Communist Manifesto? And who else would discuss religion with me in such a deep and well rounded manner thatI walk away feeling like I’m 10 years older?
Unfortunately, there is no one else like that at West Hills, and after a few months pass we will lose touch. But I will not cry. Rather, I will hold my head high and smile. Smile because I met her, smile because I have grown from her, and smile because I love her.
Seb, I will never be able to be the person for you that you have been for me. I wish I could have influenced you in some profound way, but I just don’t think I have. You have helped me in more ways than I can even begin to comprehend at this point in my life. All I know is changing, and if I have learned anything from you, it’s that there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to accept it, and be open to  the change. And who knows, maybe in the end we will still be friends. For now, I am just glad for what I have been blessed with.
I am one lucky girl.

So, I’m going to repost all of my old blogs from MyCrap on here, just so I have it all together. Keep in mind that these are pretty old….

October 5th, 2008

 Lost in the Dark

 Last night, at 10 pm, I snuck downstairs where my dad was and hid in the Harry Potter closet. The air was heavy with the scent of cat and dog food, and my legs and butt were falling asleep as I sat on a pair of rollerblades. I waited around for what felt like hours until the lights finally switched off. I waited a while longer to make sure the house was asleep. Time ticked away slowly and I realized that video games weren’t worth the wait. I escaped from the closet full of meaningless childhood toys, to find I was in the blackest black I could imagine. I couldn’t turn on the light, because I was grounded and didn’t want my dad to know I was up. I fumbled around stupidly; I tripped on chairs, and walked past the stairs and didn’t know if I was in the middle of the room or by a wall, or anything. So I stood there, helplessly feeling around me, and finding nothing. So I sat down and started to cry. I was lost. Inside my own house. After what felt like an eternity I got up the nerve to start crawling forward, and I saw the light radiating off of the cable box, and I then knew I was right by the stairs. I was able to find my way upstairs and into the safety of my bed. Even though I was unable to see anything around me, one little pointer, one reassuring tap, and I could find my way back to where I needed to be, back to safety. God is like that. Even though I was so lost in 8th grade, he found me, and led me back. And I still get lost, even the most familiar places, things I’ve dealt with before when it comes to friends, and love, and everything, which used to be so easy for me to work through, I still mess up in. But God is always that little light, there to guide me back. Thank you.

December 31st, 2008

 If only you knew

 I wish you knew what I go through everyday. Confusion. Anger. Hoplessness. Loneliness. If only you understood it, maybe you wouldn’t hurt me anymore. If you knew I have no place, that I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who my friends are, I hang out with only one person at school, and I don’t even know my own religion, would you still accuse me of commiting injustice against you? If you knew what its like having to be fake everyday, having to pretend your okay every day and have to lie to everyone, would you be more kind to me? So what about me? Thats my life. Yet you say that I’m flitting around happily forgetting my life and family back home when you have no idea. If only you knew… Then maybe I wouldn’t be in so much pain right now. Maybe I would be a little less lonely knowing that I have someone to fall back onto. Maybe everyone else would still stick around. But now I really am alone. Maybe if you just took the time to talk to me you wouldn’t have completely broke me down. Because now I am. I am more broken, lost, and confused than I ever have been. Maybe if you knew what its like to leave everybody you care about, you would still be there for me. But now I know that your not here. Not now, not before, and certainly not later. If only you knew why I messed up, and why I left, maybe you would have called me every once in a while instead of coming off the wall just to be with someone else. But maybe its me. If I were stronger I could live at West Hills with out feeling alone. If I were less shy maybe I’d have a group of friends I hang out with. If I were less clingly maybe people would actually like me. If I were less stupid maybe I wouldn’t have lost all my friends. But you don’t know. If only you knew.

January 31st, 2009

Never Forget

I really don’t know what to say to you.
Whenever I see you I just feel like crying. I wish I could take all of your anger, hate, and pain away just so I don’t have to sit and watch you suffer wordlessly…
Whenever I hear your laugh, whenever I see you smile, whenever you make those retarded jokes that make me shoot milk out my nose, I’m so thankful for you. Thankful I have someone to talk to, thankful for someone who doesn’t lie to me like everyone else. Thankful for somebody who understands me and always knows what to say and how to make me feel better. UNBELIEVEBLY thankful your still here, even through all of my lies, pain, and anger.
How can God let someone so good hurt so much?
Blow, after blow, after blow,
How much more of this can you really take?
I see you mutilate yourself and watch you fall on your face, yet I do nothing. I CAN’T do anything for you.
So all I have to say is…
I love you and I’m always here. Just like you were for me.

June 23rd, 2009

The Birthday Gift

Okay wow I’m trying to write this through tears so my spelling and grammer might be off.

I woke up on my birthday to see a text message on my phone. It read something among the lines of, “I’m sending in the pictures today, sorry it’ll be late. I love you so much and I’m so sorry I couldn’t have a bigger role in your life.”
It was from my mother.
I’ve been recieving similar text messages through out the year. For example, on Easter I got a text message from her saying that she’ll never forget the last Easter we spent together. Apparently I had put down my candy basket to grab one last piece in front of me, and when I had turned around Katelyn took my whole basket. I suppose I must have been a little porker my whole life. I cried because I couldn’t recollect the incident at all. A few weeks later dad pulled out all my baby pictures and I always looked so happy… but all I can remember is Mom and Dad fighting whenever she came to visit, and sometimes Chuck pulling her out of local bars to come say hi to my sister and I. I can’t recall when, but she texted me a few times telling me how sorry she was, and telling me I’m a stronger person than her. And you know what…
Despite the fact that growing up with out her was very hard, and living with Dad wasn’t always so great, I love her very much and I forgive her. So yesterday afternoon a package came in from her. We opened it and inside were three letters and some stickers. My card was cute, it talked and was kind of funny, but a picture is worth a thousand words I guess. There were several pictures of us together as the whole family. Melanie was still very young and was holding Alyssa. Brian had a dopey hair cut. I was looking up at my mother and smiling. She was beaming back at me and I could see the joy and adoration in her eyes smiling at me through the photo. And it was just what I needed. Though I can’t be with her and wasn’t with her very long the fact remains that I have a loving mother, and we were very happy together. I just wish I could have been with her longer. I love you mom, and hope to see you soon. Thank you for the pictures, it was the best gift I could have gotten.

January 24th, 2010

You.

I wish I could hate you, but boy, are you good at controlling me. You get me angry and depressed- but not angry or depressed enough for me to not forgive you- and then you say sorry. Then you lure me in with all of you charms (and trust me, you are not lacking there) just to do something else to hurt me. Just enough to make me cry, but not enough to make me do anything about it. Some how we are perfectly terrible for each other. You can play with me like a doll, and I will always come back. You will always have a series of problems for me to help you with and you will make me feel amazing for a short while. I’d love to say I’m done with you and your abuse, but I’m not. I’m still friends with you. I still want you. I still want to fix you, and I still let you humiliate and manipulate me. I’m like a puppet and you have enough power over me to tweak some strings and make me dance. So, lets dance.